How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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