I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize