Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
