She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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