If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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