Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
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