did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
