i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Randomize
