Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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