Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
