Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
You may now shotgun with the bride
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
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