im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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