gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
