Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
