you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
