My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
