and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
