Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
