You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
We had sex on a dog bed..
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
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