I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
