You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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