Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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