I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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