The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
You're like the curious george of whores
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
