I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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