she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
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