my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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