I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
