I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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