I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
