I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
