If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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