this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
