Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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