Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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