I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
