The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
