It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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