I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Sober January is a disaster.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
