hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
