So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
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