Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
