Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
