i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Randomize
