Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
