life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize