Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I need water and some morals
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