i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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