Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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