i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
