He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
