It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
