I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
