I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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