Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
