someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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