Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
