I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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