At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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