Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
