I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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